Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness
Got carded for wine!
Because half my face was covered
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.