Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
No way!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK