Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT