depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears