depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.