@BillCorbett

Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.

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@Free_the_DJ

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

@TweetPotato314

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

@HomeWithPeanut

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

@Gupton68

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

@AndrewNadeau0

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.