Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.
Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.
Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.