Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?