Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
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FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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