can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
all bases covered
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.