@qwertying
@joejwest
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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@joejwest
@tobyherman27
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
@PJTLynch
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
@BadMikeyBad
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
@JennyPentland
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
@ajvaage
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
@KeetPotato
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
@WetzelGeek
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
@Shot_Of_Cabo
Well, at least I didn’t kill a lion!
– Bill Cosby
@GrantTanaka
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid