“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

- @jamesbirchall97

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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.


Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel


Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.


I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.


The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.


Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him.

“Who unfollowed me?”


That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.


If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.


Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.