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@jamesbirchall97: "Describe yourself in 4 words."
Bad at counting.
@HansGrubertron: [First day as a hacker]
Boss: what's taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
@CatsVsHumanity: Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you're 85 lol
@LousyBastard: I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.
@simoncholland: [Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
@JohnFugelsang: My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.