@jamesbirchall97

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

- @jamesbirchall97

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@E_lok44

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@mishakey

Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.

@DaddyJew

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

@HenpeckedHal

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

@LMHPhotog

Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him.

“Who unfollowed me?”

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@slonej75

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.