“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

- @jamesbirchall97

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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”


Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.


Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything


[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that


Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.