“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.