“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
🤣could you imagine
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”