Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space
It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
me: [punching in at work]
boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.