When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You Might Also Like
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.