if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m about to risk it all
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Cashiers are always checking me out
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what