I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”
how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon
I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
*crowd goes nuts*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms
So UBER is not a dating app?
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.