If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Optional boss fight.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.