@Sarcasticsapien

Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.

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@frankzulla

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

@dragnut

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

@BromanConsul

“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon

@daplusk

I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me

@stephenjmolloy

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@yerpalmildsauce

SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* “???”
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.