[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“I wouldn’t.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.