so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss
8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*