@KeetPotato

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

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@JilliBearr

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@northernlivng24

8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal

@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@KentWGraham

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

@ThugPickles

OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”

@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”