[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

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Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”


*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”


Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?


I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …


I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.


In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.


How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens


my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi