[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?