[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.