@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

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@isabelzawtun

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

@tastefactory

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.