[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*eats one piece of lettuce*
checks for abs
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.