Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.