[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.