[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Sounds like a bargain
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.