Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
What
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?