How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.