[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

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*Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed*

“Won’t Smith,” he whispers


“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”


Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?


I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart


Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’


The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”


*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?



Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.