[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move