FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
really makes you think
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION