@prufrockluvsong

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

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@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

@SJKSalisbury

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

@PickleRudd

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@LostLettermen

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@Playing_Dad

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@mydanimarie

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION