In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
for all #parents out there
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.