Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving