Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete