@CutPics

Design fail.

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@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@GrantTanaka

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@TheOnion

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

@FishySnowborder

Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?

@Kids_kubed

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete