I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.