*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
cat vs inanimate object
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Weirdly Wednesday.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore