@jordan_stratton

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

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@causticbob

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@tastefactory

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

@matt___nelson

ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@iQuoteComedy

If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.