@RocketRankoon

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

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@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

@notacroc

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@Lisabug74

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

@huntigula

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

@Tall_Yoda7

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

@QwertyJones3

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@Dishy2101

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.