Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed