@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

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@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@AndyAsAdjective

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

@trevso_electric

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

@HenpeckedHal

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

@Dustinkcouch

God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea

@climaxximus

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..