@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

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@Douchekevin

How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!

@markhoppus

DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

@Desert_Musings

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

@KrazykurtKurt

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

@minivansandgin

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

@shegotagronk

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.