How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!
I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This bar smells like my childhood.
My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.