[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!