Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.


[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!


I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment


When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?


A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.


“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”


me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started


STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND



Phoebe is TALENTED


Chandler is FUNNY