[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory