Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.