-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that
Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.