“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
this came to me in a vision
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?