@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

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@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@TarzanFeathers

When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.

@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@Browtweaten

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@GingerHotDish

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.