Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor


Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.


Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.


I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.


An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.


I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs


My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.


No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.