you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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WELL PLAYED, SIR
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs
Remember folks 😂
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.