Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Alexa: *deep breath*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Haha! 😂
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢