I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?