Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Probably my best painting.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw