@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

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@fro_vo

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

@Lisabug74

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

@MacAnnabella

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*