@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

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@T_Bonezzz_

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

@jonnysun

*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana

@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

@brianbowman73

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

@BackrowSeats

Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.

@david8hughes

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@Contwixt

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

@RobocopLust

I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.