RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*