Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

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[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours


*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana


Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.


There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.


Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.


I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.


“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>



Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want


It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat


I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.