@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

You Might Also Like

@MariasWestSide

Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story

@thomastf04

British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water

@UncleDuke1969

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

@SomthinBoutSara

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

@Tbone7219

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

@KeetPotato

“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back