*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
He’s cranky this morning
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this