*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

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Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story


British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water


“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”


Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred


I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.


I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste


“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back