did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD