@SamGrittner

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

@cameronrbrown

Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@eddytheaxe

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish