DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Mornin
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.