DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️