Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again