I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
that escalated quickly
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.