Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.