Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.