@TweetsByKaylee

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

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@MomOfTeen

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

@Miciura

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

@SortaBad

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@SamuelHLowe

I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

@PabloGSerski

Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.

@LittleMissAngr1

Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!

@QwertyJones3

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.